Esmerelda, the Passion Flower Vine

I came home tonight with a 3 foot passion flower vine. This plant is so full of life, full of color, full of form that overflows boundaries, and it’s totally full of buds about to blossom. After walking past it, I backtracked 10 blocks because I knew I could not come home without it. I don’t know where I’m going to put it on my terrace. I don’t know yet if it’s poisonous to my cat. I don’t know how I’m going to care for it when the summer is over and it has to come in off my terrace - AND - I’m seeing what a metaphor this is for how I want to step forward into a new way of being. Time to be complete with the old doubts; time to overflow the boundaries and blossom with exotic abandon.

So what will it take to step into that; to move past the barricades around my heart so that I can enter that space of surrender and trust? There are plenty of relationships where I love (or am loved) with conditions; or within certain perimeters - just a little bit but not enough that I’d cease being able to function if the floor dropped out. All very neat and tidy.

My revelation is that it’s all about me! Am I willing to think enough of myself to stand fully in my passion and give all that is in my heart? If I am free of expectation and judgment; and just dance in the moment, the other is free to just receive and reflect back. I grew up always being told to lessen myself (don’t speak unless spoken to, don’t show too much cleavage….) So what if I get hurt? So what if I get rejected? It hasn’t killed me before. If I already know I can survive this, why does the possibility still scare me?

I’m sure every individual has their own definition of what it should feel like to know we are loved. For me, I think it’s a feeling of being cherished; secure enough to be transparent in my foibles, both relaxed in my Melinda-ness, as well as radiant in my Melinda-ness without a worry as to where I am at any given moment because my partner adores and welcomes it all.

So how do I know if I am loved? I don’t. I can trust it. I can believe it - or not. So, what makes me feel loved? Communion. Feeling that buzz of energy that warms the heart and expands my consciousness. I’m realizing that when I stay in that place of the open heart/barricades down - whether the person I’m with actually does love me or not, allowing myself to love them without conditions actually fills the empty well. This feels incredibly liberating.

I’m going to go water my passion flower vine now.